So tired today

Yay therapy. I got an average of 65 rpm on the bike both forward AND backward! Which is surprising since I'm tired and I have cramps and I'm in pain today. But I'll take it. I'm happy. I don't really have much more to say. I had a fantastic weekend. Got to hang with awesome people. But my knee was hurting Sunday, so I was massaging my knee while doing sound at church :/ but at least all the people I was working with were MORE THAN willing to help. 

I almost want another MRI

I don't think I re-injured it or anything. But the fact that I'm still having trouble bending with my own leg muscle, as opposed to using my arms to pull, past a certain point; the fact that it still is swollen concerns me. I understand there will be scar tissue that will never be better. I pulled my elbow ligament/tendon in high school. It still has moments where it gets sore. I broke my wrist in 3rd grade. That still flares up every once in a while. There is scar tissue that will never be perfect again.

Maybe it would be nice to see a status bar: recovery 70% or something. 

Or to see "full recovery will complete in approximately 60 days". 

Wouldn't an MRI be able to show if something is hindering full and complete healing?

I'm in ridiculous pain every time I go in for therapy when they have to bend me. How to describe it. I guess it would be like plastic or basket wood. Both bendable. But apply too much pressure and you reach the point of no-more-bendy-bend. Apply more pressure and it snaps. 

I'll try not to go on a rant here. But I hate that MRIs are so expensive to use. I feel like ER doctors should not hesitate to take MRIs. And that follow up scans should be done every month for muscle, tendon, and ligament injuries. 

I've had so many MRIs and CAT scans on my brain to diagnose my migraines. They didn't hesitate then. But when it comes to something that hinders my mobility, they don't want to scan!

I'm done. It's the weekend. I'm tired. I need to use the pool again. And I miss all my things. 

not much to say today

I'm tired. yesterday, I finished working VBS (vacation bible school) at church. it's loads of fun, and it's heartwarming, but it is SO exhausting. I'm ready to just sit and crochet today and watch TV. therefore, i will not be concentrating on capitals at the beginning of sentences in this post. apologies.

yesterday i was on the bike and I got up to 35 rpm forward and around 42 backward. that was pretty cool. and i bent up to 117*. holy poop. it's really hard to not punch something when my therapist is bending/stretching me.

all the other exercises have been same as normal. I just need to be doing them more at home again.

So i was talking about crocheting, my pictures of the project i finished wednesday are on my phone, so I'll post pictures in this post later. it's a baby blanket for my "brother-from-another-mother"'s first baby. I seriously hate explaining to strangers about my brothers. for some reason, people don't get it no matter which explanation i choose first. I am an only child. my parents have been best friends with a couple (the husband passed in January 2012 from Melanoma) since the early 80s. And I grew up with this couple's three boys as my best friends/my brothers. So the middle of the three boys is the first one to have a baby and the whole family is so excited. I had to make her a blanket. they didn't announce her name until she was born, but as soon as she was, suddenly, i knew what i would make for her. so anyways, ill post that later.

i'm also working on a pooh bear hat and diaper cover for my cousin's first birthday party. i started yesterday and i really should be done like tomorrow. her birthday isn't until the end of august, so i have plenty of time, but i'd rather finish it early than wait until the last minute like i usually do.

OMG i need to start a craft blog.

speaking of other blogs, If you notice, i linked the other blogs i manage at the top of the page, so if you want to read my creative writing (not my full length novels in progress, short stories only), or my bible study, those are up there. and if i ever do decide to create a craft blog or a straight up foodies blog, those will be linked too.

Yay

Despite being out of pain pills and not icing in about 4 days, I'm actually having a really good week pain-wise. I'm working VBS at church. I don't have to run around a lot. Just run the sound and computer. But I haven't been in pain and that's really nice. 

I am working on my Indian style right now, this is the furthest I can go, but it's very uncomfortable. I'll do this more everyday and get better and be in less pain. 

My mental image

Self image is so important. It determines your attitude, your perspective, the way you talk, your posture, your smile, and your ability to make new friends. 

Growing up, I hated my self image. I always thought I had the most plain face and that there was nothing pretty about me that made me special. 

Then I went through many awkward years. 

In kindergarten, I started wearing glasses and I got made fun of for it. 

In 2nd grade, I got a retainer and people made fun of the way I talked. I also got made fun of for wearing a skirt that my mom made. After that day, I didn't wear a skirt or dress unless it was a wedding, funeral, or Easter until junior year of high school. 

In 3rd grade, I started going through puberty and had to start wearing a bra. Got made fun of because I gained a lot of weight and no one else was wearing a bra. I was a freak. 

In 4th grade I got "upgraded" to braces and got made fun of for being a brace face. Everyone else gets braces in jr high, so I was weird for having my braces then. I started having my period and I gained more weight and kids made fun of me because they didn't understand what was going on with my body. I started having to shave my legs and underarms that year and got made fun of for being hairy. I started getting bullied that year. Teasing was hard the other years. But that year a kid stabbed me in the hand and broke skin, and another kid slammed a door in my face and chipped one of my teeth. 

In 5th grade, I was the tallest kid in class, along with one other girl. Along with being tall, I was also heavy. I got made fun of for being fat. Basically, I hated how I looked. 

I made friends with the guys, because I didn't feel pretty enough to hang out with the girls. Also, most the girls treated me like crap, so I hung out with the guys. I wasn't athletic, but I played rough at recess and my confidence was in my friends. 

7th grade, I got my braces off. I was supposed to wear my retainer every day, or at least every night, but I was done with the ridicule. I also started to get verbally sexually harassed because of my curves. A friend of mine defended me but it was around this time I really started to gain weight. I started wearing long sleeve black sweatshirts and long jeans everyday. Under the sweatshirts I had on boy t shirts. I had shirts that represented me. A fundraiser, a band I like, something Disney. People would've thought with the long black sleeves that I was hiding scars from cutting. I never did that. But I was hiding my body so that I wouldn't be appealing. I didn't find myself appealing. Why should anyone else? And I definitely didn't want to be harassed again. Sure, I was hot. But I didn't care. To me, it was worth it. 

Freshman year of high school, I got contacts. It made me feel more normal. I had a good complexion, no glasses, no braces. But I still felt plain and I was too lazy for makeup. I also felt that I didn't deserve makeup unless I was at a function that deserved a dress or a skirt. 

I continued this fashion statement and my eating habits and low self esteem through my two years at college. I gained a lot of confidence senior year of high school, but I still didn't feel good enough to be "girly". 

When I was 18, I started losing my hair. I've never been a hat person, and I've always been too lazy to do the "perfect hairstyling tips and tricks" to hide it everyday, so I walk around subconscious that people notice my ridiculously thin hairline. 

I fought to loose weight my senior year and gained it all back plus more in my freshman year at college. My second year, I tried hard to loose weight. I think I lost 15 lbs before giving up and gaining it all back. 

I started wearing makeup in college, but only on days I didn't feel lazy, only days I went out at night. 

Then I got hit with depression and I couldn't move. I couldn't go to class. I couldn't get up to eat. I laid in bed all day and watched doctor who and movies. I wrote my books and I daydreamed and I got to the point where I felt like I had multiple personalities. I hated looking in the mirror because I didn't feel like I was looking at me. What made it even worse is that my physiologist didn't believe that I had multiple personalities, she barely even want to listen to how I felt about the scariest time of my life. So I left her office feeling unimportant. 

I came home from college on a leave of absence. I started taking anti-depressants. I started talking to my gorgeous and voluptuous cousin and asking for fashion tips. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin without needing a security sweatshirt. I started getting more involved in my church. 

I realized that God doesn't care about what my body looks like. He cares about my soul and it's my soul that will be in Heaven someday. 

I realized that the people at my church and my friends don't care what I look like. They enjoy spending time with me because I'm funny, I'm compassionate, I'm real, I'm smart, among other qualities. My best friend has that title because she was my roommate during my depression. She made it her goal to try to cheer me up everyday. I hated her at the time for being so stinking cheery, but now, I could never thank her enough. She stuck by me when I was not pleasant. 

I had my first kiss when I was 20 and  finally had a boyfriend when I was 21. I realized that guys still found me attractive even when I didn't find myself attractive. 

I finally started accepting my body for the size that it was and buying clothes that size. Guess what? They FIT! I didn't have to fight my clothes. I was comfortable. I wasn't self conscious about if my shirt had lifted or if my pants had fallen or if a roll was showing. I even found dresses that complimented my body!

I started having dreams and the visions I had of myself were of me doing my normal things in a cute dress and being my goal weight. When I looked in the mirror, or when I google clothes and imagine how I would look in it, I automatically think, "I'm gonna look fantastic in that!" But then I try it on and then the mirror laughs at me. I'd rather have a good self image and have the mirror give me reality checks than have the mirror tell me I'm wonderful and my self image still says I need my sweatshirt. 

It was then, and only then, that I was able to start the diet and excercise program that I'm on now and allow it to work. I had to learn to love "fat me" before I could let myself become "skinny me". 

Today was a totally chill day and I wore a TANK TOP. This is the first tank top I've ever liked and worn by itself since 2nd grade. Yes I wore jeans, but only because I wanted to keep the bugs away since I knew we would be outside. When I started exercising, I bought a bunch of sports bras because I didn't want to ruin my $60 bras with sweat and rigorous movement. Then when I was using my crutches, I realized that the underwires were really hurting me, so I started wearing my sports bras everyday. They were SUPER comfortable. Then I realized that sports bras cost me anything from $3-$10 per bra. As opposed to $60 per. I will just start wearing these from now on and only wear the underwires for dresses that need strapless or something. Mind you, I'm a 42DDD. I didn't mention that I fought for 3 years to get a reduction and my insurance continued to deny me. I have/had a bad image of my boobs. 

But today. In the tank top, in the sports bra, I looked down at my 42DDD boobs and said, "I look good!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what self image is all about. 

I know. Ive been bad about keeping this updated

I've felt so weary lately. I usually post some things on Facebook too and then copy on to here. But I haven't felt like my problems, or anything for that matter, have been important enough for people to read. Half of my friends on Facebook are talking about one friend in particular, and honestly, I don't want to take the attention away from him. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Glioblastoma (brain cancer) yesterday. It was a hard blow for the whole church community.
This kid is fantastic.
He's a musician; he leads worship in the kid's zone, he has recorded his own music on iTunes.
He and his younger sister have their black belts in karate.
He's funny. The entire time he was in the hospital, even if he didn't have the energy to smile, he would crack a joke with the nurses every time they came in to take vitals.
He's an intellectual. He never liked tv, so in the hospital, his mom and him would just talk, or if he didn't have to energy to do that, he would just lie awake and contemplate. what he contemplated, I don't know. He would ask his mom to read to him. She read through the Psalms and a novel I can't remember which one. I remember when his mom posted the title, I was impressed. Through not really. Him and I have had deep book conversations before.
He's always been quiet. not quite shy, but its like he waits for the right moment to say something. he waits to have something awesome to say before saying anything. he doesn't waste words.

You know how when you think about someone, there's always a specific image that comes to your mind first because it's either how you know them best or it's your favorite memory. My mental image of him is during a stage of his life when he wore an Indiana jones hat every single day. He was the weird hat kid and he didn't care that people made fun of him. 
Above all else, he has faith that God will provide with a miracle, with an answer, with everything. he trusts that even if it is God's plan for cancer to be his end, that God's glory will be shown in the process. He still hopes to bring more people to Christ before his time comes. Whether he dies today, or he dies in 50 years.

So because of that, I haven't allowed myself to post since the news broke of the "c word". I like things. I share a recipe. But nothing to take people's attention away from the prayers that this kid needs.

But for you out there, my blog readers, here is my knee update.
I'm now able to bend my knee (with the aid of my arms pulling) to a 115* angle. woo!
When I said before that I could sit like a normal human, I might've been exaggerating. NOW, I can sit like a normal human in a chair. I still can't sit indian style, but my therapist wants me to slowly bend my leg in that direction while sitting. closer and closer to indian every time.
i was on the recumbent bike and i was able to get up to a constant 20 rpm forwards and a constant 35 rpm backwards. thats a far cry from my max of 80 rpm forwards during my personal training. but thats ok.
and I'm able to do all directions on the stairs except one. you may be thinking, "all the directions? theres up and down. what else?" well theres forward up, forward down, backwards up, backwards down. and each of these directions has a starting leg. its my left leg that is bad so before therapy, i could only do R forwards up, L forward down (so i could keep the leg straight), R backwards up, and L backwards down. I can now do both legs on all directions, and the only one i still STRUGGLE with is R forwards down because i'm putting all my weight on my bending bad leg. the instability of going down as opposed to L forward up makes me feel like I'm going to collapse. again. Same goes for if I'm going sideways on a step. good: R up, L up, L down. bad: R down.
So I know what still hurts. I know what still needs to be worked on.
I honestly can't wait to be training again.

oh and also, Im out of pain meds. not my norco. got that. but I'm out of my prescription strength ibuprofen. which is what i take in the morning. so i hope I'm not gonna be feeling that today.

Droppin' Some Truth Here

I know this isn't exercise or diet or knee healing related, but I don't even know where to write this on the internet. If I write it on Facebook, where I usually write such things, I get bashed because somehow I don't have a right to express myself. 

Yet I still want someone to read this. I want someone to read this and say "I feel you," "I've been there," "I whole-heatedly agree."

Please read this all the way through. No offense, but if you don't have nice things to say, please go away. My being in the lack of mood for criticism is why I'm writing this. 

I'm so sick and tired of being picked on on the internet. No, I'm not cyber bullied. My issue is that I'm friends with a myriad of people. I'm an American who has friends in Japan, Australia, England, and Canada. I'm a Christian who has atheist, Muslim, Buddhist, Catholic, Mormon and Jewish friends. I'm a Republican (conservative) who has Democrat (liberal) tea party, Eco party, etc friends. I'm pro-life with pro-choice and "none-of-my-business" friends. I'm straight and against gay marriage and I have LGBTA friends. Heck, I'm an animal loving carnivore (yes, you can be both) with vegan because they're animal rights activists friends. 

I know people who block from their timelines the people who don't agree with their standpoint. That way they don't start arguments or "feel offended" over someone else's post. Most of my friends live in America, so we have a right to free speech. Free speech should mean you have the opportunity to say the right thing, but instead, our country has come to believe that means freedom to say whatever the heck you want and throwing expletives in your sentences and arguments the way a Mediterranean man uses salt in a recipe. 

Anyways. Free speech. So when my friends post pictures or statuses about how they feel about something or sharing an article they agree with, they are using their 1st Amendment to the Constitution; they are utilizing their free speech. Normally I don't start arguments or debates or as I like to call them, "adult conversations." Seriously. An adult has to be able to be mature enough for a debate. Not everyone is going to agree with you. Be prepared for them to know what they're talking about. Be prepared to fight back. It's what life is about or else we all become complacive zombies. But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

What makes me mad is whensituations like this happen, and somehow, it happens quite frequently for me. 

A friend posts a picture against abortion. She gets 40 likes and 30 comments all along the lines of "amen" "save the babies" "I wish abortion didn't exist" etc. 

***I'm REALLY not trying to start an abortion discussion right now, but I'm using this as an example because this is one topic that strikes a chord for me. 

So then I share the picture and get 7 likes and it starts a string of comments "you don't even understand" "what if she was raped?" "It's a woman's body, let her choose what to do with it" etc

So I start my rebuttals. "I do understand. I understand I've done my research. I've interviewed people who've had abortions. They ALL regret it" "there's a thing called adoption. Thousands of couples (not even gay couples, just couples) are infertile. You giving up your baby gives them a chance at parenthood because the wait list to get a child from another country is high risk and many parents don't want them" "if you want to "choose" what to do with your body, then you MUST think about consequences. Wear a condom. Go on birth control. Or just choose to keep your legs shut. You are a woman and you know that opening up yourself to a man you aren't married to means you will become attached and then you will be even more heart-broken when you break up. Why choose to put yourself through that?"

I really could go on but I'll stop the pros and cons here. I've had similar conversations with so many people. 

I've had similar intensity debates with different subjects with different people. 

Somehow even though the person I "shared" it from had all of her supporters, whenever it comes down to the nitty-gritty and fighting for what's right. Having the freedom to say what I feel is right. All of my supporters are no where to be found. Whether the topic is abortion, pollution, gasoline alternatives, hunting, bullying. My supporters are no where to be found. 

And every time, the conversation gets to a point, especially because it's usually with a person with whom we have high mutual respect and love for each other, that the other person says, "let's just agree to disagree" or "can't we both be right?"

Now, I'm not a mean person. Really I'm not. But I've grown very strong in my faith lately and I've come to realize because of my faith that truth is black and white. "Agree to disagree" and "let's both be right" are gray areas and blurred lines. Truth does not have blurred lines. 

I'm not saying I'm God. I'm not saying I'm right all the time. But we can't just sit back and allow people to blur the lines. Someone has to be right. If you can prove me wrong, I am totally ok with being wrong. Being wrong and admitting I am wrong means I will and can learn. But walking away from the conversation, blurring the line, and asking for a gray area does not allow for error. It is humanity's way of always needing to be right. 

Yes, it is super frustrating when you KNOW you are right but the other person isn't backing down. It's so hard. But that's why we can't just sit back and watch people disagree. We have to fight for what we believe in. We have to stand up for truth. 

If you see me expressing myself on social media and I'm in the middle of an "adult conversation," please interject with your support. I may seem like I've got the situation handled. But behind the screen, I become so weary. I need someone to stand with me. 

Also, if you are someone who has been on the other end of an adult conversation with me. I don't hate you in any way. I don't have any less respect or love for you. I hope this is an explanation as to why I am so passionate over my opinion. I do not apologize for what I believe. But I apologize if anything I have ever said to you during a discussion has ever hurt your feelings. 

Monthly weigh in

Start: 250

Current: 237

Goal: 150

I'm either same or gained 1 lb since last month. My muscle has almost built back to normal. (So if muscle is up, and weight is same, does that mean fat is down?) yay! I'll take it. 

I should've been controlling my diet more when I was more immobile, but I barely even wanted to eat. But now I'm back in control. 

Things I miss

Having a bum knee, there are some things I miss. slowly, I hope to conquer these things, and then i will cross them off. I won't erase them. because I want to be able to look back later and laugh remembering "wow! I couldn't do that!"

1. Drive     6-29-14
2. sit indian style   8-25-14
3. bowl
4. Go to Disneyland. 8-5-14
5. comfortably go to disneyland (seriously imagine the matterhorn, splash mountain, and walking) 
6. pedicures
7. squatting to get pots and pans from the bottom shelf 9-1-14
8. running/rushing/quickly getting to where i need to be. i don't like running and i like being lazy, but being forced to be slow is such a pain! 8-2-14
9. lifting sound equipment. i can't do my full sound job without assistance for fear of straining myself. 8-2-14
10. using both legs to walk up stairs. 7-17-14
11. using both legs to walk down stairs.   8-25-14 

10-6-14: AHHHHHH only 3 things left on my list!!!! :D