Good and bad.

Good news about my diet: 

having restrictions means that I now have to think outside the box. I actually have more variety in my foods because I'm forcing myself to do fruits and vegetables instead of "hmmm. There's leftover spaghetti. Yes please." It's a pleasant and rewarding challenge to find fun things that I enjoy that won't make me go overboard in calories, fat, (complex) carbs, etc. ergo, I am officially enjoying my diet. 

Bad news: 

I had rice last night for the first time in a couple weeks. Just a bite. It tasted... Wrong. And this morning I had a tortilla with my eggs. Just because. And because I hope to do more walking today to "justify" it. Normally, a tortilla is one of my favorite things on the planet and one of my favorite forms of complex carbs. This morning, it was altogether bland and unexciting and thoughoughly a waste of my caloric intake. I'm disappointed in my taste buds. 

So I'm happy my body and tongue are enjoying the new lifestyle, but I'm a little sad that it doesn't even miss the old stuff. 

Below is a picture of my delicious lunch yesterday: carrot juice, pineapple, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries. Nothing processed. All done with my juicer or magic bullet. 

Ok get this

I'm really proud of my mom. She's made the decision to do her best to change her diet to the same as mine and therefore when my dad eats at home, he is on the same diet too. I'm more resourceful at finding recipes that fit the diet. So I get the ideas for dinner, and mom and I take turns cooking the food. 

So when Mom was telling Dad that she wanted to make it a family diet, not just for weight loss, but also for dad's diabetes and cholesterol, wanna know his reaction?

"Well, you know I weigh less than both you and Bekah."

Mom was ready to either slap him or cry. And I would've too. I don't really have much to say beyond that. I mean, I call it a funny story, but it's sad and hurtful too. It's statements and responses like that which is why I've struggled to lose weight for 15 years. 

Best diet food ever!!!!

I call it a "Lettuce Burrito"

Ground turkey, enchilada sauce, jalapeño, cheese, tomato, beans and sour cream. Mush all together and slop into lettuce. YUMMMMMM

Workout day 1!!!

Wake up at 5:00 am. Yay! 

People, this is extreme sarcasm. I am not a morning person. The only thing that encouraged me to wake up was the fact I would see the sunrise. 

So here it is: 7:42 am. I have completed my workout for the morning. And I am thrilled to eat breakfast. Of course, what's open at this time except McDonald's? Denny's. So I'm eating everything breakfast-y on the menu that I am allowed: egg whites, cheese, bacon, spinach, tomato, and yogurt. Bonus about being awake now, I can go home and do school work. I have no excuse not to. 

As far as the workout goes. I did well. My body has more endurance and it's such an amazing feeling to NOT be on the verge of tears everytime I'm on the treadmill or bike or something. This first month is focusing on weight loss, then add toning and muscle after that. My favorite part of the workout was when I could be outside. My lungs recovered faster (they didn't go into asthma attack mode, but they were pushing), my heart rate slowed, and body temperature dropped. I may despise my alarm clock, but I might grow to love my morning exercise. 

Restarting the weight loss counter: 

Started: 244

Today: 244

Lost: 0

Goal: 150

To go: 94

Also. Sometimes I just love the support of strangers. Police officer greeted me as I walked into Denny's and my server is "envious of this breakfast." He was doing everything he could to help me put together a healthy and delicious meal. 

Back on this stupid diet

I'm not usually the type of person to be miserable on a diet. Yes, I love food and I love the foods that are bad for me, hence why I need a diet anyways. But I work with it and I have a positive (yet snarky) attitude because I know this will have results. So now that we're back for round 2, let's recap my dietary needs. 

WATER* - need lots of that

GREEN TEA** - good antioxidants and is a good appetite suppressant. Other tea is good too, but green is the best for diet.

NO SODA* - I can do this. 

NO BREAD** - this one is killer. I was told one thing at a time, but I don't want to constantly be changing and adding to my diet. So as little as possible bread, pasta, and rice and probably potatoes. 

NO RED MEAT*** - no burgers, steaks, or other beefy things. I have a fatty liver. So fish, chicken, and turkey is ideal. And I allow pork. 

NATURAL FOODS as much as possible* - don't need expensive organic. But choose to cook at home. Instead of buying a jar of sauce, make my own sauce. A lot of this isn't just a health thing, but also a monetary thing. Restaurant food can cost 10 times more than home food. 

* - requirement from myself

** - requirement from personal trainer

*** - requirement from Dr (GP)

I list these things because here on the first day, I'm having troubles finding a recipe that fulfils all my requirements. The hard thing is that I live with my parents. It's not that they don't support me, but they don't want to be on a diet. We are a family unit that eats together and tries to do as much as possible together. The dinners that come from this house are meals for the whole family. I can't make 2 separate meals- one for my parents that they want, and one for me that I need. Sure, I would love for us to go on a family diet, but it's not realistic for me to force my family to do something they don't want, especially when I'm the child, not the matron/matriarch. Maybe when I have a family on my own, but not now. So I'm at a loss for what to do in this diet situation. 

I would love to go biking on this trail. 

First Day Back!!

...Kinda...

It's funny, when I was injured, it was May 5, 2014. I did my workout in the morning, and then had the last women's event (Coffee Break) for the school year. It was at that event that I fell.
Today, October 6, 2014, going back nearly exactly 5 months later, was Coffee Break's first night back for the school year. Oh, the irony.

As I was doing things, stuff kinda felt surreal. I mean, I had been doing physical therapy, but part of my kept thinking, "Holy crap, 5 months ago, I could not bend my knee."

Today was ridiculous improvement since I had last worked with my trainer. I didn't use my inhaler, but I lasted longer on the treadmill and my asthma was kept at bay. My weight is the same, but according to my trainer, my friends, my parents, and my myself, it looks like I had still been losing weight. I call it "fat displacement" but apparently, I'm more "toned" and bully myself. Also, my knee doesn't hurt, and the normal cramping in my legs in less. I'm so excited to get back on track to health again.

I came home and had some mint green tea. I had a lot of iced tea this summer. Homemade, not super processed and sugared up. But this was the first good cup of hot tea that I've had in months. Totally relaxed me. My brain is still awake though, so I might do some writing. It's a new chapter in my life and I'm eager to be as productive and constantly improving as I hope to be.

Howdy

Well I have only one more week of physical therapy. I'm still not 100%, but I am so much better. And I can function without needing either pain med everyday. Yay! 

Tuesday, August 5th, I went to Disneyland for the first time since my accident. My knee hurt and rides like splash mountain hurt, but I survived and I still had fun. I'm hoping to go back soon. 

*grumblegrumblegrumble*

I haven't felt well for about a week. I don't feel like I have a cold or anything, not physically ill. I'm feeling emotional. That brings down my energy level and my thoughts and my actions with it.

I really want to get back to exercising. I feeling cooped again. My knee is feeling better, but it's still not 100%. I was texting my trainer today, telling him that i've been able to do more physical things, strength wise, with my knee, but i still wouldn't be able to do a free squat or fast walk. My knee sometimes feels like its hyper extending (bending backwards) and I don't know what exercise I need to do to strengthen whatever body part would make it not feel like that. so because of this backwards feeling, I still can't run.

Yesterday, I worked a wedding with my dad. He does sound and DJ stuff. He also does photography for weddings, but yesterday was sound, which meant heavier equipment. Yay... The lifting was fine. The things i didn't feel ok on were 1) it rained pretty hard and made the ground slippery and 2) after the ceremony, I had to "run" to the reception (on the other side of the building) and start the music so there was no silence between. K. So. My running right now looks like how preppy High School girls run: only the balls of their feet touching the ground, using toes and spring boards, and only bending the knees about 30*. I may have looked like an idiot, but my leg felt more confident this way that a typical run: heel -> toe, 90* bend. I've twisted my ankle running normally. I wasn't gonna risk anything else popping out of place, especially when I'm on a job.

Also, I'm sure some of you read "it rained pretty hard" and freaked out. And then others probably read that and thought "well its good luck if it rains on your wedding day". Just to clarify: the bride was PRAYING for rain. she loves rain. There was no rain during the ceremony, and all the pictures were done before the rain. and none of my dad's equipment was hurt, but all the guests had to move inside and people were frantically trying to figure out where to put things and how to dry off and... and... BUT! the bride was happy. :)

Not only was there the wedding, but from Wednesday afternoon though Saturday morning, I was helping a friend. She had a knee replacement repair surgery so I lived at her house for a few days to take care of her and her dog. I ended up vacuuming and moving furniture. I'm VERY surprised I don't hurt from that. But maybe it was my brain saying "she's in more pain right now than you are, so shut it and do this chore". This lady, I love her dearly, but I don't think she realizes how anti-social she is. She doesn't have real chairs for guests to sit in and the dirt is literally caked into the carpet. I kept finding spiders and was super grossed out. It was 100* outside but I wasted to keep my jeans and socks on for protection from bugs. Among other things. I ended up volunteering to go back and help her clean and organize her house. So anyways, because of the lack of furniture, I brought over an air mattress and slept on that. Then the next day, her friend brought over a recliner from a thrift store. AWESOME! How can you beat a leather recliner that probably originally cost $500, now for the low low price of $45!! So my friend's friend (yes, I'm being anonymous on purpose) and I threw out her old vacuum, put together the new SHARK vacuum she bought but never used and OMG, the dirt that came up was so gross. and we definitely sucked up about 30 dead and live bugs. Then when that was over, we had to get the recliner out of her car. (Mind you, she called at 7:00, when I was leaving to pick up dinner, and just said "I'm on my way". no warning beforehand. But we HAD to clean the carpet before bringing in the new chair) So now it's 10:00, I'm tired, she's tired, my friend who had the surgery has energy but she's looped up on norco and so we kept having to convince her to sit down, and we still have to get that stupid chair out of the car. I looked at the recliner, I looked at her doorway, and I picked up my phone and called about 3 of my guy friends and left messages "hey I know it's 10:00, but if you're awake and willing, will you come here and help me get this chair into this house?" no one called within 5 minutes (the friend of my friend was getting impatient) and so we hauled it ourself. on the knee that I still am having issues with. and honestly, I just kept thinking, "if this dislocates again, guess who's paying for my ER visit?" But we got it in. The chair is fine. It's comfortable. and my knee didn't dislocate again. I texted my guys and told them to ignore my message.

But I'm just feeling down right now. I want to go to Disneyland. I want to check off more things on my "Things I Miss" list. I want to swim.

I got my hair cut the other day and one of the small joys of having super short hair is coming out of the pool and shaking my hair like a dog. lol.

I'll try not to get all mopey, but I think i get this way after I attend a wedding. not because I'm single, but because I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life...
thats why i want to be exercising again. I feel productive.

So tired today

Yay therapy. I got an average of 65 rpm on the bike both forward AND backward! Which is surprising since I'm tired and I have cramps and I'm in pain today. But I'll take it. I'm happy. I don't really have much more to say. I had a fantastic weekend. Got to hang with awesome people. But my knee was hurting Sunday, so I was massaging my knee while doing sound at church :/ but at least all the people I was working with were MORE THAN willing to help. 

I almost want another MRI

I don't think I re-injured it or anything. But the fact that I'm still having trouble bending with my own leg muscle, as opposed to using my arms to pull, past a certain point; the fact that it still is swollen concerns me. I understand there will be scar tissue that will never be better. I pulled my elbow ligament/tendon in high school. It still has moments where it gets sore. I broke my wrist in 3rd grade. That still flares up every once in a while. There is scar tissue that will never be perfect again.

Maybe it would be nice to see a status bar: recovery 70% or something. 

Or to see "full recovery will complete in approximately 60 days". 

Wouldn't an MRI be able to show if something is hindering full and complete healing?

I'm in ridiculous pain every time I go in for therapy when they have to bend me. How to describe it. I guess it would be like plastic or basket wood. Both bendable. But apply too much pressure and you reach the point of no-more-bendy-bend. Apply more pressure and it snaps. 

I'll try not to go on a rant here. But I hate that MRIs are so expensive to use. I feel like ER doctors should not hesitate to take MRIs. And that follow up scans should be done every month for muscle, tendon, and ligament injuries. 

I've had so many MRIs and CAT scans on my brain to diagnose my migraines. They didn't hesitate then. But when it comes to something that hinders my mobility, they don't want to scan!

I'm done. It's the weekend. I'm tired. I need to use the pool again. And I miss all my things. 

not much to say today

I'm tired. yesterday, I finished working VBS (vacation bible school) at church. it's loads of fun, and it's heartwarming, but it is SO exhausting. I'm ready to just sit and crochet today and watch TV. therefore, i will not be concentrating on capitals at the beginning of sentences in this post. apologies.

yesterday i was on the bike and I got up to 35 rpm forward and around 42 backward. that was pretty cool. and i bent up to 117*. holy poop. it's really hard to not punch something when my therapist is bending/stretching me.

all the other exercises have been same as normal. I just need to be doing them more at home again.

So i was talking about crocheting, my pictures of the project i finished wednesday are on my phone, so I'll post pictures in this post later. it's a baby blanket for my "brother-from-another-mother"'s first baby. I seriously hate explaining to strangers about my brothers. for some reason, people don't get it no matter which explanation i choose first. I am an only child. my parents have been best friends with a couple (the husband passed in January 2012 from Melanoma) since the early 80s. And I grew up with this couple's three boys as my best friends/my brothers. So the middle of the three boys is the first one to have a baby and the whole family is so excited. I had to make her a blanket. they didn't announce her name until she was born, but as soon as she was, suddenly, i knew what i would make for her. so anyways, ill post that later.

i'm also working on a pooh bear hat and diaper cover for my cousin's first birthday party. i started yesterday and i really should be done like tomorrow. her birthday isn't until the end of august, so i have plenty of time, but i'd rather finish it early than wait until the last minute like i usually do.

OMG i need to start a craft blog.

speaking of other blogs, If you notice, i linked the other blogs i manage at the top of the page, so if you want to read my creative writing (not my full length novels in progress, short stories only), or my bible study, those are up there. and if i ever do decide to create a craft blog or a straight up foodies blog, those will be linked too.

Yay

Despite being out of pain pills and not icing in about 4 days, I'm actually having a really good week pain-wise. I'm working VBS at church. I don't have to run around a lot. Just run the sound and computer. But I haven't been in pain and that's really nice. 

I am working on my Indian style right now, this is the furthest I can go, but it's very uncomfortable. I'll do this more everyday and get better and be in less pain. 

My mental image

Self image is so important. It determines your attitude, your perspective, the way you talk, your posture, your smile, and your ability to make new friends. 

Growing up, I hated my self image. I always thought I had the most plain face and that there was nothing pretty about me that made me special. 

Then I went through many awkward years. 

In kindergarten, I started wearing glasses and I got made fun of for it. 

In 2nd grade, I got a retainer and people made fun of the way I talked. I also got made fun of for wearing a skirt that my mom made. After that day, I didn't wear a skirt or dress unless it was a wedding, funeral, or Easter until junior year of high school. 

In 3rd grade, I started going through puberty and had to start wearing a bra. Got made fun of because I gained a lot of weight and no one else was wearing a bra. I was a freak. 

In 4th grade I got "upgraded" to braces and got made fun of for being a brace face. Everyone else gets braces in jr high, so I was weird for having my braces then. I started having my period and I gained more weight and kids made fun of me because they didn't understand what was going on with my body. I started having to shave my legs and underarms that year and got made fun of for being hairy. I started getting bullied that year. Teasing was hard the other years. But that year a kid stabbed me in the hand and broke skin, and another kid slammed a door in my face and chipped one of my teeth. 

In 5th grade, I was the tallest kid in class, along with one other girl. Along with being tall, I was also heavy. I got made fun of for being fat. Basically, I hated how I looked. 

I made friends with the guys, because I didn't feel pretty enough to hang out with the girls. Also, most the girls treated me like crap, so I hung out with the guys. I wasn't athletic, but I played rough at recess and my confidence was in my friends. 

7th grade, I got my braces off. I was supposed to wear my retainer every day, or at least every night, but I was done with the ridicule. I also started to get verbally sexually harassed because of my curves. A friend of mine defended me but it was around this time I really started to gain weight. I started wearing long sleeve black sweatshirts and long jeans everyday. Under the sweatshirts I had on boy t shirts. I had shirts that represented me. A fundraiser, a band I like, something Disney. People would've thought with the long black sleeves that I was hiding scars from cutting. I never did that. But I was hiding my body so that I wouldn't be appealing. I didn't find myself appealing. Why should anyone else? And I definitely didn't want to be harassed again. Sure, I was hot. But I didn't care. To me, it was worth it. 

Freshman year of high school, I got contacts. It made me feel more normal. I had a good complexion, no glasses, no braces. But I still felt plain and I was too lazy for makeup. I also felt that I didn't deserve makeup unless I was at a function that deserved a dress or a skirt. 

I continued this fashion statement and my eating habits and low self esteem through my two years at college. I gained a lot of confidence senior year of high school, but I still didn't feel good enough to be "girly". 

When I was 18, I started losing my hair. I've never been a hat person, and I've always been too lazy to do the "perfect hairstyling tips and tricks" to hide it everyday, so I walk around subconscious that people notice my ridiculously thin hairline. 

I fought to loose weight my senior year and gained it all back plus more in my freshman year at college. My second year, I tried hard to loose weight. I think I lost 15 lbs before giving up and gaining it all back. 

I started wearing makeup in college, but only on days I didn't feel lazy, only days I went out at night. 

Then I got hit with depression and I couldn't move. I couldn't go to class. I couldn't get up to eat. I laid in bed all day and watched doctor who and movies. I wrote my books and I daydreamed and I got to the point where I felt like I had multiple personalities. I hated looking in the mirror because I didn't feel like I was looking at me. What made it even worse is that my physiologist didn't believe that I had multiple personalities, she barely even want to listen to how I felt about the scariest time of my life. So I left her office feeling unimportant. 

I came home from college on a leave of absence. I started taking anti-depressants. I started talking to my gorgeous and voluptuous cousin and asking for fashion tips. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin without needing a security sweatshirt. I started getting more involved in my church. 

I realized that God doesn't care about what my body looks like. He cares about my soul and it's my soul that will be in Heaven someday. 

I realized that the people at my church and my friends don't care what I look like. They enjoy spending time with me because I'm funny, I'm compassionate, I'm real, I'm smart, among other qualities. My best friend has that title because she was my roommate during my depression. She made it her goal to try to cheer me up everyday. I hated her at the time for being so stinking cheery, but now, I could never thank her enough. She stuck by me when I was not pleasant. 

I had my first kiss when I was 20 and  finally had a boyfriend when I was 21. I realized that guys still found me attractive even when I didn't find myself attractive. 

I finally started accepting my body for the size that it was and buying clothes that size. Guess what? They FIT! I didn't have to fight my clothes. I was comfortable. I wasn't self conscious about if my shirt had lifted or if my pants had fallen or if a roll was showing. I even found dresses that complimented my body!

I started having dreams and the visions I had of myself were of me doing my normal things in a cute dress and being my goal weight. When I looked in the mirror, or when I google clothes and imagine how I would look in it, I automatically think, "I'm gonna look fantastic in that!" But then I try it on and then the mirror laughs at me. I'd rather have a good self image and have the mirror give me reality checks than have the mirror tell me I'm wonderful and my self image still says I need my sweatshirt. 

It was then, and only then, that I was able to start the diet and excercise program that I'm on now and allow it to work. I had to learn to love "fat me" before I could let myself become "skinny me". 

Today was a totally chill day and I wore a TANK TOP. This is the first tank top I've ever liked and worn by itself since 2nd grade. Yes I wore jeans, but only because I wanted to keep the bugs away since I knew we would be outside. When I started exercising, I bought a bunch of sports bras because I didn't want to ruin my $60 bras with sweat and rigorous movement. Then when I was using my crutches, I realized that the underwires were really hurting me, so I started wearing my sports bras everyday. They were SUPER comfortable. Then I realized that sports bras cost me anything from $3-$10 per bra. As opposed to $60 per. I will just start wearing these from now on and only wear the underwires for dresses that need strapless or something. Mind you, I'm a 42DDD. I didn't mention that I fought for 3 years to get a reduction and my insurance continued to deny me. I have/had a bad image of my boobs. 

But today. In the tank top, in the sports bra, I looked down at my 42DDD boobs and said, "I look good!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what self image is all about. 

I know. Ive been bad about keeping this updated

I've felt so weary lately. I usually post some things on Facebook too and then copy on to here. But I haven't felt like my problems, or anything for that matter, have been important enough for people to read. Half of my friends on Facebook are talking about one friend in particular, and honestly, I don't want to take the attention away from him. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Glioblastoma (brain cancer) yesterday. It was a hard blow for the whole church community.
This kid is fantastic.
He's a musician; he leads worship in the kid's zone, he has recorded his own music on iTunes.
He and his younger sister have their black belts in karate.
He's funny. The entire time he was in the hospital, even if he didn't have the energy to smile, he would crack a joke with the nurses every time they came in to take vitals.
He's an intellectual. He never liked tv, so in the hospital, his mom and him would just talk, or if he didn't have to energy to do that, he would just lie awake and contemplate. what he contemplated, I don't know. He would ask his mom to read to him. She read through the Psalms and a novel I can't remember which one. I remember when his mom posted the title, I was impressed. Through not really. Him and I have had deep book conversations before.
He's always been quiet. not quite shy, but its like he waits for the right moment to say something. he waits to have something awesome to say before saying anything. he doesn't waste words.

You know how when you think about someone, there's always a specific image that comes to your mind first because it's either how you know them best or it's your favorite memory. My mental image of him is during a stage of his life when he wore an Indiana jones hat every single day. He was the weird hat kid and he didn't care that people made fun of him. 
Above all else, he has faith that God will provide with a miracle, with an answer, with everything. he trusts that even if it is God's plan for cancer to be his end, that God's glory will be shown in the process. He still hopes to bring more people to Christ before his time comes. Whether he dies today, or he dies in 50 years.

So because of that, I haven't allowed myself to post since the news broke of the "c word". I like things. I share a recipe. But nothing to take people's attention away from the prayers that this kid needs.

But for you out there, my blog readers, here is my knee update.
I'm now able to bend my knee (with the aid of my arms pulling) to a 115* angle. woo!
When I said before that I could sit like a normal human, I might've been exaggerating. NOW, I can sit like a normal human in a chair. I still can't sit indian style, but my therapist wants me to slowly bend my leg in that direction while sitting. closer and closer to indian every time.
i was on the recumbent bike and i was able to get up to a constant 20 rpm forwards and a constant 35 rpm backwards. thats a far cry from my max of 80 rpm forwards during my personal training. but thats ok.
and I'm able to do all directions on the stairs except one. you may be thinking, "all the directions? theres up and down. what else?" well theres forward up, forward down, backwards up, backwards down. and each of these directions has a starting leg. its my left leg that is bad so before therapy, i could only do R forwards up, L forward down (so i could keep the leg straight), R backwards up, and L backwards down. I can now do both legs on all directions, and the only one i still STRUGGLE with is R forwards down because i'm putting all my weight on my bending bad leg. the instability of going down as opposed to L forward up makes me feel like I'm going to collapse. again. Same goes for if I'm going sideways on a step. good: R up, L up, L down. bad: R down.
So I know what still hurts. I know what still needs to be worked on.
I honestly can't wait to be training again.

oh and also, Im out of pain meds. not my norco. got that. but I'm out of my prescription strength ibuprofen. which is what i take in the morning. so i hope I'm not gonna be feeling that today.

Droppin' Some Truth Here

I know this isn't exercise or diet or knee healing related, but I don't even know where to write this on the internet. If I write it on Facebook, where I usually write such things, I get bashed because somehow I don't have a right to express myself. 

Yet I still want someone to read this. I want someone to read this and say "I feel you," "I've been there," "I whole-heatedly agree."

Please read this all the way through. No offense, but if you don't have nice things to say, please go away. My being in the lack of mood for criticism is why I'm writing this. 

I'm so sick and tired of being picked on on the internet. No, I'm not cyber bullied. My issue is that I'm friends with a myriad of people. I'm an American who has friends in Japan, Australia, England, and Canada. I'm a Christian who has atheist, Muslim, Buddhist, Catholic, Mormon and Jewish friends. I'm a Republican (conservative) who has Democrat (liberal) tea party, Eco party, etc friends. I'm pro-life with pro-choice and "none-of-my-business" friends. I'm straight and against gay marriage and I have LGBTA friends. Heck, I'm an animal loving carnivore (yes, you can be both) with vegan because they're animal rights activists friends. 

I know people who block from their timelines the people who don't agree with their standpoint. That way they don't start arguments or "feel offended" over someone else's post. Most of my friends live in America, so we have a right to free speech. Free speech should mean you have the opportunity to say the right thing, but instead, our country has come to believe that means freedom to say whatever the heck you want and throwing expletives in your sentences and arguments the way a Mediterranean man uses salt in a recipe. 

Anyways. Free speech. So when my friends post pictures or statuses about how they feel about something or sharing an article they agree with, they are using their 1st Amendment to the Constitution; they are utilizing their free speech. Normally I don't start arguments or debates or as I like to call them, "adult conversations." Seriously. An adult has to be able to be mature enough for a debate. Not everyone is going to agree with you. Be prepared for them to know what they're talking about. Be prepared to fight back. It's what life is about or else we all become complacive zombies. But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

What makes me mad is whensituations like this happen, and somehow, it happens quite frequently for me. 

A friend posts a picture against abortion. She gets 40 likes and 30 comments all along the lines of "amen" "save the babies" "I wish abortion didn't exist" etc. 

***I'm REALLY not trying to start an abortion discussion right now, but I'm using this as an example because this is one topic that strikes a chord for me. 

So then I share the picture and get 7 likes and it starts a string of comments "you don't even understand" "what if she was raped?" "It's a woman's body, let her choose what to do with it" etc

So I start my rebuttals. "I do understand. I understand I've done my research. I've interviewed people who've had abortions. They ALL regret it" "there's a thing called adoption. Thousands of couples (not even gay couples, just couples) are infertile. You giving up your baby gives them a chance at parenthood because the wait list to get a child from another country is high risk and many parents don't want them" "if you want to "choose" what to do with your body, then you MUST think about consequences. Wear a condom. Go on birth control. Or just choose to keep your legs shut. You are a woman and you know that opening up yourself to a man you aren't married to means you will become attached and then you will be even more heart-broken when you break up. Why choose to put yourself through that?"

I really could go on but I'll stop the pros and cons here. I've had similar conversations with so many people. 

I've had similar intensity debates with different subjects with different people. 

Somehow even though the person I "shared" it from had all of her supporters, whenever it comes down to the nitty-gritty and fighting for what's right. Having the freedom to say what I feel is right. All of my supporters are no where to be found. Whether the topic is abortion, pollution, gasoline alternatives, hunting, bullying. My supporters are no where to be found. 

And every time, the conversation gets to a point, especially because it's usually with a person with whom we have high mutual respect and love for each other, that the other person says, "let's just agree to disagree" or "can't we both be right?"

Now, I'm not a mean person. Really I'm not. But I've grown very strong in my faith lately and I've come to realize because of my faith that truth is black and white. "Agree to disagree" and "let's both be right" are gray areas and blurred lines. Truth does not have blurred lines. 

I'm not saying I'm God. I'm not saying I'm right all the time. But we can't just sit back and allow people to blur the lines. Someone has to be right. If you can prove me wrong, I am totally ok with being wrong. Being wrong and admitting I am wrong means I will and can learn. But walking away from the conversation, blurring the line, and asking for a gray area does not allow for error. It is humanity's way of always needing to be right. 

Yes, it is super frustrating when you KNOW you are right but the other person isn't backing down. It's so hard. But that's why we can't just sit back and watch people disagree. We have to fight for what we believe in. We have to stand up for truth. 

If you see me expressing myself on social media and I'm in the middle of an "adult conversation," please interject with your support. I may seem like I've got the situation handled. But behind the screen, I become so weary. I need someone to stand with me. 

Also, if you are someone who has been on the other end of an adult conversation with me. I don't hate you in any way. I don't have any less respect or love for you. I hope this is an explanation as to why I am so passionate over my opinion. I do not apologize for what I believe. But I apologize if anything I have ever said to you during a discussion has ever hurt your feelings. 

Monthly weigh in

Start: 250

Current: 237

Goal: 150

I'm either same or gained 1 lb since last month. My muscle has almost built back to normal. (So if muscle is up, and weight is same, does that mean fat is down?) yay! I'll take it. 

I should've been controlling my diet more when I was more immobile, but I barely even wanted to eat. But now I'm back in control. 

Things I miss

Having a bum knee, there are some things I miss. slowly, I hope to conquer these things, and then i will cross them off. I won't erase them. because I want to be able to look back later and laugh remembering "wow! I couldn't do that!"

1. Drive     6-29-14
2. sit indian style   8-25-14
3. bowl
4. Go to Disneyland. 8-5-14
5. comfortably go to disneyland (seriously imagine the matterhorn, splash mountain, and walking) 
6. pedicures
7. squatting to get pots and pans from the bottom shelf 9-1-14
8. running/rushing/quickly getting to where i need to be. i don't like running and i like being lazy, but being forced to be slow is such a pain! 8-2-14
9. lifting sound equipment. i can't do my full sound job without assistance for fear of straining myself. 8-2-14
10. using both legs to walk up stairs. 7-17-14
11. using both legs to walk down stairs.   8-25-14 

10-6-14: AHHHHHH only 3 things left on my list!!!! :D 

Update

Just got out of the doctor and he gave me a full bill of health; a stamp of approval, which hurt since I have a bruise on my forehead. (I'll tell the story in a sec. It's actually quite hilarious)

But my doctor was very happy with my progress. So he released me from his care.  To finish up my therapy and continue doing the exercises at home while I'm still going to therapy and continue after. To me, that's kind of a "duh", but most people/most if his patients show up for therapy, don't exercise at home, and then wonder why they aren't healing and why their problem came back later. 

K funny story. 

I've been painting my nails A LOT because I've learned that I have a hand/mouth fixation the same way smokers do, except I've never touched a cigarette. I was attached to my pacifier as a baby and when my parents "mysteriously lost" all my pacifiers, I quickly shifted to sucking my thumb. Not constantly, but occasionally and subconsciously, like when I was reading. Then I remember my mom telling me not to do that anymore because I would get embarrassed, so I shifted to nail biting. Somehow, nail biting is the most acceptable thing for people to do. I tried many methods to stop biting, but I would always fail. Here I am at 23 and I found my cure: knitting and crocheting. I now am knitting and crocheting everyday, and a project is always in my purse just incase I have down time wherever I am. This means that my hands are constantly busy and I haven't even thought about biting my nails. It feels so good to break the habit. So I was painting my nails last night and I had just massaged and rubbed lotion on my knee, so my hands were super soft. I went to shake the polish bottle the way you're supposed to, and the bottle slipped out of my hands and smacked me square between the eyes. (If you can't laugh at your own clumsiness, who can?) 

Good news: somehow I don't have a headache or a visible bruise, but man, it hurts if I touch it! 

And that's my REALLY long funny story. 

The Lord totally took my pain today

I walked into therapy today a little stiff and expecting to not improve much. But it's always days like that when God shows me He's in control. Did the same exercises as Friday.

But it was totally awesome when I walked in, my personal trainer was there! I guess he just finished working with a client and had free time. He chatted with us for a few minutes while I waited for my therapist to be ready and then he stayed and chatted with my mom for a few more minutes. Even though I know he reads this blog, his face was priceless when he saw me walking in, no crutches, barely a limp. He was ecstatic. 

I didn't have "pain" during my exercises today. I was uncomfortable. But I pushed through because I had to. And the tipping birds were fun today because a different therapist corrected posture on it and explained the reason for the exercise. 

So today I go to the doctor and so they did bendy measurements to fax a report to my doctor. Remember when I first went in, I had a 40* bend on my own muscle? Today I was at 80*!! And when the therapist is moving my knee or I am moving knee with my other leg, I can get it to 100*!! So exciting! Feels soooo good! And Friday when the therapist pushed me to 100, I was nearly in tears, but I was not in pain!

Did you read that right? Do I have to type it again? TODAY, I BENT TO 100* AND DIDNT HAVE PAIN!! I had about the same discomfort as doing my exercises. So I just need to bend more on my own muscle at home. 

I'm still having trouble walking and bending and not having a limp at all. That's a gravity fight right there. But what am I complaining about?! Counting by 7-day weeks, today marks 2 months since my injury. I think I've healed marvelously. 

I do get cabin fever sometimes and the body that didn't like exercising for 23 years and only worked out for 1 month is starting to long to work out again. 

Accomplishment of the day

I drove for the first time since may 5! 

You may now return to your regular programming. 

That is all. 

A day late

I could've taken that title so many different ways. But I decided to just not. 

I meant to write about my PT yesterday but yesterday was long and I was tired. I had therapy, then my parents and I ate lunch, then ran some errands, then came  home and we all took 3 hour naps, then we woke up in time to grab wienersnitzel and see x-men: days of future past (finally!) and by the time we were home, it was 1:30 am. FYI: movie is amazing. I promise. No spoilers. But I was freaking out the whole time. Plus we had 2 free coupons and a $8 off coupon so the three of us saw the movie for $4.50. Theatre win right there. 

Let's see. I was able to go all the way around on the recumbent bike yesterday. I had to have the chair further back and I had to go really slow, but I can do it in both directions. Big accomplishment. I was kinda sad because my therapist (an intern) was double booked and her other patient had to be in a private room, so an aide helped me with my exercises, but she seemed like she wasn't paying attention to what I was doing at all and I felt ignored. So I was in a bad mood for the rest of my exercises. But I added "tipping birds" (to eeeeeeeverything else) to stretch my hamstring and help my balance. And shackles. My personal trainer called them something different, I think, but a stretchy band is wrapped around my ankles and I have to walk sideways across the room and back. 

And something added on Monday I forgot to say, they have me do squats or the total gym. Only as far down as I can. And only 20. But at least I can do them. 

Plus flexing pain and torture is part of my bi-weekly routine now. Yay. I was on the verge of tears. But that could've been my period talking too. But the whole time I sat there and my therapist stretched my I just prayed over and over "Lord, take my pain away. Lord, take my pain away". My pain didn't magically go away, but God did grant me peace and I was able to relax my knee more and more each time so they could bend me more and more. 

This rehab is definitely not fun. But it's necessary if I ever want to consider myself physically normal again. 

A love/hate relationship with gravity

Hola mi amigos!

Ok no more Spanish. 

I feel like I've had a lot of improvement at physical therapy today, they added more exercises again. I haven't even talked about my exercises yet. Ok I've been 5 times and they've added exercises each time except once. I call that improvement. 

Session 1: exercise 1: dog leash around foot and use arm to pull knee to bend until point of pain. Exercise 2: contract quad muscle and push heel down. Quad controls the patella. 

Session 2: same as before plus exercise 3: stretchy band around foot and flex ankle to strengthen calf. Ex 4: hamstring stretch (lie down and straight leg pull leg towards self. Aka Barbie dolls). Ex 5: straight leg lifts: lie down and straight leg lift about a foot. Ex 6: hamstring curls: stand and bend knee to point of pain. Ex 7: forgot what it's called. Lie down straight leg out to side and back. 

Session 3: same

Session 4: all that plus added bike. (Can only go around half way so far) and step ups to see if I can put pressure on lefty going up steps and back down and etc. at this session was encouraged to constantly (especially when not at sessions to bend when I walk and go up stairs). So if you see me and I'm straight-legging, scold me. 

Session 5 (today): ALLLLLL that plus Barbie dolls on my sides, cables during standing sideways Barbie dolls, and the head therapist did my massage today and torture (flexing). He got my knee at a comfortable 90 degree bend hanging off the side of the therapy table, then he slowly applied pressure to get it to bend further. At this point, I was quite uncomfortable and doing my grunty/heavy breathing style screams and gripping the table for dear life. Yes, it hurt. But it is necessary if I don't want my knee to permanently be not able to go further than 90*. 

So here's what the title of today's blog means. My hate of gravity has nothing to do with what the scale tells me. At least today it doesn't. The love of gravity is what's in the picture. I can now relax and allow gravity to bend my knee to 90*. The hate of gravity is when I'm doing the hamstring curls. You may think it's funny, but if you've ever had to bend a not fully functional joint against gravity, it's not cool. Even with an ice pack. It's not cool. And more hate of gravity when I get out of the pool and my knee pines for the zero gravity in the water. 

The date of ups, up the dates, updates.

2 things:

Thing 1: I've been really bad about my home therapy. I'm loving going to the gym physical therapy, but I've been so stiff at home it's hard to encourage myself to do the exercises. Especially when I'm out and about more and I come home and my knee is tired, so I don't want to move it. I hate admitting that I've not been doing it, but didn't I promise honesty? I've had a lot of offers from people that I could use their pools. So I'll do my best to take them up on their offers as much as possible, but on a rotation so a particular friend doesn't get worn out. 

Thing 2: something I've been fearing from the beginning is an addiction to the pain meds. With my high pain tolerance, I want to be off meds as soon as possible. When I first was injured, I was taking my norco by the clock, 4 times a day. Quickly, I changed that to 3 times a day. Then a friend advised taking my prescription strength ibuprofen with the norco, and I was able to do 1 norco and 1 ibu, in the morning and at night. Finally, after that, I was able to wean down to ibu in the morning, and ibu and a norco at night. 

I don't know how long people normally are on pain meds for my type of injury. I don't know what's considered normal. Usually, the way I test whether or not I need something is if I forget something and see how much it affected me later. So this morning I forgot my ibuprofen. Not even the norco. Just the ibu, and I was quite uncomfortable/in pain today. Didn't realize until I went to take my night meds that I had forgotten. At least now I know that my knee is still feeling consistent pain without the meds and they are needed for the moment. As much as I don't like being on addictive meds, it's what I have to do for now. 

I cried

I used a friend's pool for therapy for the first time. I was in there for like three hours. When I first got in and felt no gravity resistance, that I could bend, and that cold water felt like a constant soothing ice pack, it felt so good I wanted to cry from happiness. 

So I stood there and did leg curls, and sat on the steps and did gentle kicks, and walked the shallow end and saw how much I could bend my leg while walking because on land, I'm still walking straight legged. 

Then mom wanted to move to the jacuzzi. She encouraged me to bend as I walked to the jacuzzi, but my knee had accommodated to the lack of gravity in the pool and had a hard time walking and I had to lean on her. Also I was walking slower and the cement was HOT. Generally the jacuzzi was a bad idea. A) she likes hot for nerve damage, but I've been using ice packs for pain, not heat packs. So why would hot water feel good? B) I generally don't like hot water. My skin is sensitive to temperature change and I have a hard enough time taking a hot shower. Again, why would hot water feel good?

I tried bending in the jacuzzi and I was getting more and more pain and it was like I had to think about each muscle more and more. I also was feeling like bubble wrap in the jacuzzi. So I as-quickly-as-I-could straight-leg-walked back to pool shallow end. And I had to sit on the steps and rest. 

By this point, I was in pain, my knee was physically tired, and because I was frustrated at my range of motion and the fact that I love to swim but I couldn't even do a normal stroke, I was emotionally tired and I broke down and cried. 

I was able to tread water with three limbs while I chatted with my friends. But now I'm home and I'm so tired. My knee really wants to not fight gravity all the time so it decided to be wobbly. 

Now I shall nap before dinner :(

My body is done for the day (and week)

I'm supposed to do my physical therapy twice a day, everyday, at home. Tonight is the first time I've skipped my therapy. I probably shouldn't skip the massage and ice, but I'm also tired at this point. But they added new exercises and I'm sore. Skipping one at home therapy is not going to kill me. 

My legs are also exhausted because this week I taught a photography class at my church. It was a 5 day program mainly focusing on sports, and my class was the only group doing something non-athletic. So 15 hours (3 hours each day not including extra time on my leg for set up) walking around. Some time spent sitting in a classroom teaching the photo techniques, and some time at the end reviewing the kid's pictures with them so they can learn how to improve, but a lot of time was spent walking the grounds taking pictures of the other sports. 

I had a group of 14 girls. So of course we would stop and they wanted to take pictures of flowers or some cool rocks instead of the sports, but when it came to me walking around, I had to ditch the scooter (those don't work well on grass) and the single crutch (it slowed me down and I still had to hold a clipboard and my camera). So the girls understood I was slow. They kindly asked me why I limped. They asked me if it hurt to sit on the grass and get back up. They were curious. And I was always honest with them. There's no reason to lie to kids. I told them it was difficult but that I was ok and thanks for asking. That kind of thing. 

I was reviewing their pictures today.

Primary goal: apply the techniques to take pictures of the sports because *they* were forming the slideshow that would be seen in "big church". The slideshow wasn't just coming from my dad and I. 

Secondary goal: to use the techniques to take pictures of things that interest them (i.e. Rocks, flowers, their friends). And what I found made me smile. Each kid took quite a few pictures of me. I feel appreciated. I feel like even if the kids don't remember what I taught them and they want to retake my class next year, they had fun and they connected to me. Because sports camp is about more than teaching sports. It's about using sports to teach kids about God!

Ummm... Ouch

I've actually healed to the point where 90% of the time, my leg feels normal. Yes, both legs still get tired faster, and I still have to keep it within my 40* in order for this feeling of normalcy. I stretch it during therapy I promise. 

But then there's the times like 10 minutes ago. I woke up very peacefully, thinking about the funny dream I just had, and the only thing your body wants to do is stretch. Extend everything. Bend everything. I was still half asleep, and my brain figured my left knee needed to bend. 

Yea that's the fastest way to wake up. Good thing it didn't feel like it dislocated or anything. I probably only got it to 50 before it's started feeling like it was bleeding from the inside :/ only took 2 minutes for the pain to calm down but really? I was enjoying my sleep there. 

Bubble wrap

I don't know if I've mentioned this digitally before, but if I were to use one word or phrase to describe how my knee feels, most often I would say, "bubble wrap". The ER doctors looked at me funny when I tried to explain. 

You know when you squeeze bubble wrap (the jumbo size kind) and you put just enough pressure so that another ounce would pop it. It's on the brink of popping... That's what it feels like when it's stiff. My brain remembers bending my knee and my muscles remember bending, but my knee feels that pressure when I'm walking, sitting, doing physical therapy, using the stairs, or generally moving and yells that it's on the brink. So I just do my best to keep it straight and rest often. 

Ok now imagine the tiny bubble wrap. The slightest movement and it's like fireworks finale at Disneyland. When I move my knee, or if I get a twitch, occasionally I feel a crinkle. And when I massage the soft tissue over the ACL (that's the ligament that tore) it feels crinkly and reminds me of bubble wrap and gives me the willies. 

I'm excited for healing and no more feeling like bubble wrap. 

This laziness diet is working.

I'm totally joking. I think it's entirely the atrophy. And because I'm not moving around so much, I've only been hungry enough for two meals a day. Mind you, they're magnificent meals because my mom is an awesome cook :)

I just can't wait until I feel well enough to cool full meals again. Yesterday was the first time being in the kitchen for more than a sandwich or some other small thing. Dad bbq'd and I prepped the salmon. Which he was very grateful for. Not only because he likes the taste better when I do it but because Dad gets home tired from work, the chicken he bought was pre-marinated, the shrimp was raw and Mom prepped it, and I wish I could've bbq'd. 

My antsy-ness has gone down tremendously. At one point I would lie here and nearly cry because I couldn't bend my leg. Or I would try out if habit and forget I couldn't. I've only done that once this week. Doesn't seem like an accomplishment, but it is. 

I've been doing well at remembering my home therapy. I'm still waiting for insurance to approve my sessions. I was only approved for my evaluation. I can't wait to get back to normal and get back to the gym. Last night I had really good movement on my dog leash exercise. It felt like it was up to 50*, but I could be imagining and hoping for the best. 

Current weight 236

Weight lost 14

Weight left to lose 86

Elapsed time 2 months

I'm so done with typing on the iPhone for today...

Today's been an up and down day in regards to this knee. All day, it's hurt the least since the injury. I was expecting it to hurt because of the therapy yesterday, but it really helped. Also, I didn't have much of anything to do all day, so I've been able to rest my knee and get other random things accomplished. Things like watching classic Doctor Who, crocheting, and making a few business phone calls. 

Then I got an email. I'm a sound technician at my church and the woman who schedules things emailed asking for me to notify her when I will be recovered enough to work again. A sound tech doesn't just dial things on the board, you have to set the stage. And that requires lifted 50 lb monitors, moving keyboards and pianos, and moving drum shields and drum kits. And that's just the heavy stuff. Sound techs do all the little things too. I responded that if I had help with set up that I could do the little things and still sit in the back and press buttons. But she said (I don't know if for insurance or just for preference) that because she doesn't want me falling again in the middle of church service(which I definitely wouldn't want either) or hurting myself in any other way in the job, she doesn't want me back on schedule until I can do the complete job. Well, now I feel useless. 

I know I have to rest. I know I have to take it slow. I know it will be a long process. That being said, please let me do something where I can still feel useful!

Over the weekend, at my church's women's retreat, I still helped the committee set up and tear down things. My mom was on the committee and my personality tells me I can't just sit there and not help. So I successfully did stationary jobs: opening flats of bottled water, filling goodie bags, separating gum 2-packs. Little did I know that the hotel's freezers don't actually freeze, so I was sore the whole weekend from generally more movement than normal, but it was worth it because I could help out and I didn't feel useless in this state. 

It was times like this that was followed by a woman walking up to me saying, "Bekah! Why are you standing! Go sit down! I'll get it for you!"

"But I have to get the blood circulating... My butt falls asleep when I sit"

Also, it's quite a comedy to see me get up after sitting on the floor. I'm stubborn. But I do it because I still want to be able to do things, like help my dad replace a bathroom sink, so I sit on the floor and read the directions and hand him parts. 

All that to say, not being able to be back on sound team is going to kill me. 

And then this happened

I'll just let Facebook tell you.

May 5

ironically the 7 year anniversary of my mom's work injury to cause permanent nerve damage. 

May 6

May 7

May 8

May 10

My Birthday - I have other pictures to add here later. 

May 12

May 13

May 20

May 25

May 27

May 31

June 2

Around 2 weeks after my injury, I weighed myself, and i was actually at 238. lol. so somehow, I'm still losing weight even though I can't exercise and I'm forgetting my diet. I hope the weight loss isn't atrophy attributed. But now I'm officially caught up time wise on this blog, so hopefully I can be diligent about keeping up with both of my blogs. Since I have no where else to be except write and crochet. 

This is me bending at that 40 degrees. Yaaaaay. -_-

I just have not had the attention span to blog lately.

So... This whole entry will basically be a collection of my Facebook posts in regards to my workouts. Because I was posting those regularly and as I said before, I forget now.

April 11

April 14

 April 18

April 21

April 25

April 28

So then on May 3, I participated in the annual "iCure Melanoma" 5K walk. I do this in memory of my best friend's dad/my parent's best friend/my honorary uncle who passed away from melanoma in 2011. I was so frustrated that I got such a bad time. I had been training for this. But this year was the heaviest I had ever been during the 5k and my feet/legs couldn't physically carry me any faster than they did. My time was 73 minutes. My only source of self encouragement for the day was that when I had weighed myself that morning, I was 240!

Current weight: 240
weight left to lose: 90
time elapsed: 1 month
accomplishments: 40 pushups

Since I have time to do this

My personal trainer encouraged me to keep a journey journal of getting healthy, getting strong, getting fit, etc.

This whole process started in march 2014. I went in to my mom's physical therapy facility because the new massage therapist was giving away free 10-minute massages. What? Free? Sign me up... So one day I get there and mom has been talking to the new personal trainer telling him that my back is weak and I need to strengthen to hold up the weight that I have and to lose weight. Which I agree. So I signed up for my free consultation the following week (March 11). But the morning of came and I didn't want to go. I felt like I had been kinda pushed into it instead of being able to process and make the decision myself. So I called and cancelled my appt and the trainer actually texted me asking if I was ok. (Mind you, a few years ago, I had major depression and anxiety, including social anxiety, so jumping into things are still very scary for me) The trainer was very nice and texted me in a very welcoming manner, so I rescheduled my free eval session for two weeks later (March 25), hoping I would be comfortable with it by then. And sure enough, I did indeed show up. Here it is almost 2 months after the day, and I barely remember what happened (lots have happened since, I'll be using my own Facebook posts as reference) but I do remember being slightly embarrassed and ashamed by my lack of strength.

But I scheduled to come back twice a week, starting on April 4. I was determined. No matter how long it takes. my goal is to lose 100 lbs. I know, I hate seeing that too. I hate knowing that I had allowed myself to get large enough to have enough leeway to loose 100 lbs. Even having my goal weight at 150 is being "overweight", but it would be the healthiest I've been my entire life. And I want to do this now while I'm young.

Starting weight: 250 lbs
Weight left to lose: 100