Growing up, I hated my self image. I always thought I had the most plain face and that there was nothing pretty about me that made me special.
Then I went through many awkward years.
In kindergarten, I started wearing glasses and I got made fun of for it.
In 2nd grade, I got a retainer and people made fun of the way I talked. I also got made fun of for wearing a skirt that my mom made. After that day, I didn't wear a skirt or dress unless it was a wedding, funeral, or Easter until junior year of high school.
In 3rd grade, I started going through puberty and had to start wearing a bra. Got made fun of because I gained a lot of weight and no one else was wearing a bra. I was a freak.
In 4th grade I got "upgraded" to braces and got made fun of for being a brace face. Everyone else gets braces in jr high, so I was weird for having my braces then. I started having my period and I gained more weight and kids made fun of me because they didn't understand what was going on with my body. I started having to shave my legs and underarms that year and got made fun of for being hairy. I started getting bullied that year. Teasing was hard the other years. But that year a kid stabbed me in the hand and broke skin, and another kid slammed a door in my face and chipped one of my teeth.
In 5th grade, I was the tallest kid in class, along with one other girl. Along with being tall, I was also heavy. I got made fun of for being fat. Basically, I hated how I looked.
I made friends with the guys, because I didn't feel pretty enough to hang out with the girls. Also, most the girls treated me like crap, so I hung out with the guys. I wasn't athletic, but I played rough at recess and my confidence was in my friends.
7th grade, I got my braces off. I was supposed to wear my retainer every day, or at least every night, but I was done with the ridicule. I also started to get verbally sexually harassed because of my curves. A friend of mine defended me but it was around this time I really started to gain weight. I started wearing long sleeve black sweatshirts and long jeans everyday. Under the sweatshirts I had on boy t shirts. I had shirts that represented me. A fundraiser, a band I like, something Disney. People would've thought with the long black sleeves that I was hiding scars from cutting. I never did that. But I was hiding my body so that I wouldn't be appealing. I didn't find myself appealing. Why should anyone else? And I definitely didn't want to be harassed again. Sure, I was hot. But I didn't care. To me, it was worth it.
Freshman year of high school, I got contacts. It made me feel more normal. I had a good complexion, no glasses, no braces. But I still felt plain and I was too lazy for makeup. I also felt that I didn't deserve makeup unless I was at a function that deserved a dress or a skirt.
I continued this fashion statement and my eating habits and low self esteem through my two years at college. I gained a lot of confidence senior year of high school, but I still didn't feel good enough to be "girly".
When I was 18, I started losing my hair. I've never been a hat person, and I've always been too lazy to do the "perfect hairstyling tips and tricks" to hide it everyday, so I walk around subconscious that people notice my ridiculously thin hairline.
I fought to loose weight my senior year and gained it all back plus more in my freshman year at college. My second year, I tried hard to loose weight. I think I lost 15 lbs before giving up and gaining it all back.
I started wearing makeup in college, but only on days I didn't feel lazy, only days I went out at night.
Then I got hit with depression and I couldn't move. I couldn't go to class. I couldn't get up to eat. I laid in bed all day and watched doctor who and movies. I wrote my books and I daydreamed and I got to the point where I felt like I had multiple personalities. I hated looking in the mirror because I didn't feel like I was looking at me. What made it even worse is that my physiologist didn't believe that I had multiple personalities, she barely even want to listen to how I felt about the scariest time of my life. So I left her office feeling unimportant.
I came home from college on a leave of absence. I started taking anti-depressants. I started talking to my gorgeous and voluptuous cousin and asking for fashion tips. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin without needing a security sweatshirt. I started getting more involved in my church.
I realized that God doesn't care about what my body looks like. He cares about my soul and it's my soul that will be in Heaven someday.
I realized that the people at my church and my friends don't care what I look like. They enjoy spending time with me because I'm funny, I'm compassionate, I'm real, I'm smart, among other qualities. My best friend has that title because she was my roommate during my depression. She made it her goal to try to cheer me up everyday. I hated her at the time for being so stinking cheery, but now, I could never thank her enough. She stuck by me when I was not pleasant.
I had my first kiss when I was 20 and finally had a boyfriend when I was 21. I realized that guys still found me attractive even when I didn't find myself attractive.
I finally started accepting my body for the size that it was and buying clothes that size. Guess what? They FIT! I didn't have to fight my clothes. I was comfortable. I wasn't self conscious about if my shirt had lifted or if my pants had fallen or if a roll was showing. I even found dresses that complimented my body!
I started having dreams and the visions I had of myself were of me doing my normal things in a cute dress and being my goal weight. When I looked in the mirror, or when I google clothes and imagine how I would look in it, I automatically think, "I'm gonna look fantastic in that!" But then I try it on and then the mirror laughs at me. I'd rather have a good self image and have the mirror give me reality checks than have the mirror tell me I'm wonderful and my self image still says I need my sweatshirt.
It was then, and only then, that I was able to start the diet and excercise program that I'm on now and allow it to work. I had to learn to love "fat me" before I could let myself become "skinny me".
Today was a totally chill day and I wore a TANK TOP. This is the first tank top I've ever liked and worn by itself since 2nd grade. Yes I wore jeans, but only because I wanted to keep the bugs away since I knew we would be outside. When I started exercising, I bought a bunch of sports bras because I didn't want to ruin my $60 bras with sweat and rigorous movement. Then when I was using my crutches, I realized that the underwires were really hurting me, so I started wearing my sports bras everyday. They were SUPER comfortable. Then I realized that sports bras cost me anything from $3-$10 per bra. As opposed to $60 per. I will just start wearing these from now on and only wear the underwires for dresses that need strapless or something. Mind you, I'm a 42DDD. I didn't mention that I fought for 3 years to get a reduction and my insurance continued to deny me. I have/had a bad image of my boobs.
But today. In the tank top, in the sports bra, I looked down at my 42DDD boobs and said, "I look good!"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what self image is all about.
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