Update

Just got out of the doctor and he gave me a full bill of health; a stamp of approval, which hurt since I have a bruise on my forehead. (I'll tell the story in a sec. It's actually quite hilarious)

But my doctor was very happy with my progress. So he released me from his care.  To finish up my therapy and continue doing the exercises at home while I'm still going to therapy and continue after. To me, that's kind of a "duh", but most people/most if his patients show up for therapy, don't exercise at home, and then wonder why they aren't healing and why their problem came back later. 

K funny story. 

I've been painting my nails A LOT because I've learned that I have a hand/mouth fixation the same way smokers do, except I've never touched a cigarette. I was attached to my pacifier as a baby and when my parents "mysteriously lost" all my pacifiers, I quickly shifted to sucking my thumb. Not constantly, but occasionally and subconsciously, like when I was reading. Then I remember my mom telling me not to do that anymore because I would get embarrassed, so I shifted to nail biting. Somehow, nail biting is the most acceptable thing for people to do. I tried many methods to stop biting, but I would always fail. Here I am at 23 and I found my cure: knitting and crocheting. I now am knitting and crocheting everyday, and a project is always in my purse just incase I have down time wherever I am. This means that my hands are constantly busy and I haven't even thought about biting my nails. It feels so good to break the habit. So I was painting my nails last night and I had just massaged and rubbed lotion on my knee, so my hands were super soft. I went to shake the polish bottle the way you're supposed to, and the bottle slipped out of my hands and smacked me square between the eyes. (If you can't laugh at your own clumsiness, who can?) 

Good news: somehow I don't have a headache or a visible bruise, but man, it hurts if I touch it! 

And that's my REALLY long funny story. 

The Lord totally took my pain today

I walked into therapy today a little stiff and expecting to not improve much. But it's always days like that when God shows me He's in control. Did the same exercises as Friday.

But it was totally awesome when I walked in, my personal trainer was there! I guess he just finished working with a client and had free time. He chatted with us for a few minutes while I waited for my therapist to be ready and then he stayed and chatted with my mom for a few more minutes. Even though I know he reads this blog, his face was priceless when he saw me walking in, no crutches, barely a limp. He was ecstatic. 

I didn't have "pain" during my exercises today. I was uncomfortable. But I pushed through because I had to. And the tipping birds were fun today because a different therapist corrected posture on it and explained the reason for the exercise. 

So today I go to the doctor and so they did bendy measurements to fax a report to my doctor. Remember when I first went in, I had a 40* bend on my own muscle? Today I was at 80*!! And when the therapist is moving my knee or I am moving knee with my other leg, I can get it to 100*!! So exciting! Feels soooo good! And Friday when the therapist pushed me to 100, I was nearly in tears, but I was not in pain!

Did you read that right? Do I have to type it again? TODAY, I BENT TO 100* AND DIDNT HAVE PAIN!! I had about the same discomfort as doing my exercises. So I just need to bend more on my own muscle at home. 

I'm still having trouble walking and bending and not having a limp at all. That's a gravity fight right there. But what am I complaining about?! Counting by 7-day weeks, today marks 2 months since my injury. I think I've healed marvelously. 

I do get cabin fever sometimes and the body that didn't like exercising for 23 years and only worked out for 1 month is starting to long to work out again. 

Accomplishment of the day

I drove for the first time since may 5! 

You may now return to your regular programming. 

That is all. 

A day late

I could've taken that title so many different ways. But I decided to just not. 

I meant to write about my PT yesterday but yesterday was long and I was tired. I had therapy, then my parents and I ate lunch, then ran some errands, then came  home and we all took 3 hour naps, then we woke up in time to grab wienersnitzel and see x-men: days of future past (finally!) and by the time we were home, it was 1:30 am. FYI: movie is amazing. I promise. No spoilers. But I was freaking out the whole time. Plus we had 2 free coupons and a $8 off coupon so the three of us saw the movie for $4.50. Theatre win right there. 

Let's see. I was able to go all the way around on the recumbent bike yesterday. I had to have the chair further back and I had to go really slow, but I can do it in both directions. Big accomplishment. I was kinda sad because my therapist (an intern) was double booked and her other patient had to be in a private room, so an aide helped me with my exercises, but she seemed like she wasn't paying attention to what I was doing at all and I felt ignored. So I was in a bad mood for the rest of my exercises. But I added "tipping birds" (to eeeeeeeverything else) to stretch my hamstring and help my balance. And shackles. My personal trainer called them something different, I think, but a stretchy band is wrapped around my ankles and I have to walk sideways across the room and back. 

And something added on Monday I forgot to say, they have me do squats or the total gym. Only as far down as I can. And only 20. But at least I can do them. 

Plus flexing pain and torture is part of my bi-weekly routine now. Yay. I was on the verge of tears. But that could've been my period talking too. But the whole time I sat there and my therapist stretched my I just prayed over and over "Lord, take my pain away. Lord, take my pain away". My pain didn't magically go away, but God did grant me peace and I was able to relax my knee more and more each time so they could bend me more and more. 

This rehab is definitely not fun. But it's necessary if I ever want to consider myself physically normal again. 

A love/hate relationship with gravity

Hola mi amigos!

Ok no more Spanish. 

I feel like I've had a lot of improvement at physical therapy today, they added more exercises again. I haven't even talked about my exercises yet. Ok I've been 5 times and they've added exercises each time except once. I call that improvement. 

Session 1: exercise 1: dog leash around foot and use arm to pull knee to bend until point of pain. Exercise 2: contract quad muscle and push heel down. Quad controls the patella. 

Session 2: same as before plus exercise 3: stretchy band around foot and flex ankle to strengthen calf. Ex 4: hamstring stretch (lie down and straight leg pull leg towards self. Aka Barbie dolls). Ex 5: straight leg lifts: lie down and straight leg lift about a foot. Ex 6: hamstring curls: stand and bend knee to point of pain. Ex 7: forgot what it's called. Lie down straight leg out to side and back. 

Session 3: same

Session 4: all that plus added bike. (Can only go around half way so far) and step ups to see if I can put pressure on lefty going up steps and back down and etc. at this session was encouraged to constantly (especially when not at sessions to bend when I walk and go up stairs). So if you see me and I'm straight-legging, scold me. 

Session 5 (today): ALLLLLL that plus Barbie dolls on my sides, cables during standing sideways Barbie dolls, and the head therapist did my massage today and torture (flexing). He got my knee at a comfortable 90 degree bend hanging off the side of the therapy table, then he slowly applied pressure to get it to bend further. At this point, I was quite uncomfortable and doing my grunty/heavy breathing style screams and gripping the table for dear life. Yes, it hurt. But it is necessary if I don't want my knee to permanently be not able to go further than 90*. 

So here's what the title of today's blog means. My hate of gravity has nothing to do with what the scale tells me. At least today it doesn't. The love of gravity is what's in the picture. I can now relax and allow gravity to bend my knee to 90*. The hate of gravity is when I'm doing the hamstring curls. You may think it's funny, but if you've ever had to bend a not fully functional joint against gravity, it's not cool. Even with an ice pack. It's not cool. And more hate of gravity when I get out of the pool and my knee pines for the zero gravity in the water. 

The date of ups, up the dates, updates.

2 things:

Thing 1: I've been really bad about my home therapy. I'm loving going to the gym physical therapy, but I've been so stiff at home it's hard to encourage myself to do the exercises. Especially when I'm out and about more and I come home and my knee is tired, so I don't want to move it. I hate admitting that I've not been doing it, but didn't I promise honesty? I've had a lot of offers from people that I could use their pools. So I'll do my best to take them up on their offers as much as possible, but on a rotation so a particular friend doesn't get worn out. 

Thing 2: something I've been fearing from the beginning is an addiction to the pain meds. With my high pain tolerance, I want to be off meds as soon as possible. When I first was injured, I was taking my norco by the clock, 4 times a day. Quickly, I changed that to 3 times a day. Then a friend advised taking my prescription strength ibuprofen with the norco, and I was able to do 1 norco and 1 ibu, in the morning and at night. Finally, after that, I was able to wean down to ibu in the morning, and ibu and a norco at night. 

I don't know how long people normally are on pain meds for my type of injury. I don't know what's considered normal. Usually, the way I test whether or not I need something is if I forget something and see how much it affected me later. So this morning I forgot my ibuprofen. Not even the norco. Just the ibu, and I was quite uncomfortable/in pain today. Didn't realize until I went to take my night meds that I had forgotten. At least now I know that my knee is still feeling consistent pain without the meds and they are needed for the moment. As much as I don't like being on addictive meds, it's what I have to do for now. 

I cried

I used a friend's pool for therapy for the first time. I was in there for like three hours. When I first got in and felt no gravity resistance, that I could bend, and that cold water felt like a constant soothing ice pack, it felt so good I wanted to cry from happiness. 

So I stood there and did leg curls, and sat on the steps and did gentle kicks, and walked the shallow end and saw how much I could bend my leg while walking because on land, I'm still walking straight legged. 

Then mom wanted to move to the jacuzzi. She encouraged me to bend as I walked to the jacuzzi, but my knee had accommodated to the lack of gravity in the pool and had a hard time walking and I had to lean on her. Also I was walking slower and the cement was HOT. Generally the jacuzzi was a bad idea. A) she likes hot for nerve damage, but I've been using ice packs for pain, not heat packs. So why would hot water feel good? B) I generally don't like hot water. My skin is sensitive to temperature change and I have a hard enough time taking a hot shower. Again, why would hot water feel good?

I tried bending in the jacuzzi and I was getting more and more pain and it was like I had to think about each muscle more and more. I also was feeling like bubble wrap in the jacuzzi. So I as-quickly-as-I-could straight-leg-walked back to pool shallow end. And I had to sit on the steps and rest. 

By this point, I was in pain, my knee was physically tired, and because I was frustrated at my range of motion and the fact that I love to swim but I couldn't even do a normal stroke, I was emotionally tired and I broke down and cried. 

I was able to tread water with three limbs while I chatted with my friends. But now I'm home and I'm so tired. My knee really wants to not fight gravity all the time so it decided to be wobbly. 

Now I shall nap before dinner :(

My body is done for the day (and week)

I'm supposed to do my physical therapy twice a day, everyday, at home. Tonight is the first time I've skipped my therapy. I probably shouldn't skip the massage and ice, but I'm also tired at this point. But they added new exercises and I'm sore. Skipping one at home therapy is not going to kill me. 

My legs are also exhausted because this week I taught a photography class at my church. It was a 5 day program mainly focusing on sports, and my class was the only group doing something non-athletic. So 15 hours (3 hours each day not including extra time on my leg for set up) walking around. Some time spent sitting in a classroom teaching the photo techniques, and some time at the end reviewing the kid's pictures with them so they can learn how to improve, but a lot of time was spent walking the grounds taking pictures of the other sports. 

I had a group of 14 girls. So of course we would stop and they wanted to take pictures of flowers or some cool rocks instead of the sports, but when it came to me walking around, I had to ditch the scooter (those don't work well on grass) and the single crutch (it slowed me down and I still had to hold a clipboard and my camera). So the girls understood I was slow. They kindly asked me why I limped. They asked me if it hurt to sit on the grass and get back up. They were curious. And I was always honest with them. There's no reason to lie to kids. I told them it was difficult but that I was ok and thanks for asking. That kind of thing. 

I was reviewing their pictures today.

Primary goal: apply the techniques to take pictures of the sports because *they* were forming the slideshow that would be seen in "big church". The slideshow wasn't just coming from my dad and I. 

Secondary goal: to use the techniques to take pictures of things that interest them (i.e. Rocks, flowers, their friends). And what I found made me smile. Each kid took quite a few pictures of me. I feel appreciated. I feel like even if the kids don't remember what I taught them and they want to retake my class next year, they had fun and they connected to me. Because sports camp is about more than teaching sports. It's about using sports to teach kids about God!

Ummm... Ouch

I've actually healed to the point where 90% of the time, my leg feels normal. Yes, both legs still get tired faster, and I still have to keep it within my 40* in order for this feeling of normalcy. I stretch it during therapy I promise. 

But then there's the times like 10 minutes ago. I woke up very peacefully, thinking about the funny dream I just had, and the only thing your body wants to do is stretch. Extend everything. Bend everything. I was still half asleep, and my brain figured my left knee needed to bend. 

Yea that's the fastest way to wake up. Good thing it didn't feel like it dislocated or anything. I probably only got it to 50 before it's started feeling like it was bleeding from the inside :/ only took 2 minutes for the pain to calm down but really? I was enjoying my sleep there. 

Bubble wrap

I don't know if I've mentioned this digitally before, but if I were to use one word or phrase to describe how my knee feels, most often I would say, "bubble wrap". The ER doctors looked at me funny when I tried to explain. 

You know when you squeeze bubble wrap (the jumbo size kind) and you put just enough pressure so that another ounce would pop it. It's on the brink of popping... That's what it feels like when it's stiff. My brain remembers bending my knee and my muscles remember bending, but my knee feels that pressure when I'm walking, sitting, doing physical therapy, using the stairs, or generally moving and yells that it's on the brink. So I just do my best to keep it straight and rest often. 

Ok now imagine the tiny bubble wrap. The slightest movement and it's like fireworks finale at Disneyland. When I move my knee, or if I get a twitch, occasionally I feel a crinkle. And when I massage the soft tissue over the ACL (that's the ligament that tore) it feels crinkly and reminds me of bubble wrap and gives me the willies. 

I'm excited for healing and no more feeling like bubble wrap. 

This laziness diet is working.

I'm totally joking. I think it's entirely the atrophy. And because I'm not moving around so much, I've only been hungry enough for two meals a day. Mind you, they're magnificent meals because my mom is an awesome cook :)

I just can't wait until I feel well enough to cool full meals again. Yesterday was the first time being in the kitchen for more than a sandwich or some other small thing. Dad bbq'd and I prepped the salmon. Which he was very grateful for. Not only because he likes the taste better when I do it but because Dad gets home tired from work, the chicken he bought was pre-marinated, the shrimp was raw and Mom prepped it, and I wish I could've bbq'd. 

My antsy-ness has gone down tremendously. At one point I would lie here and nearly cry because I couldn't bend my leg. Or I would try out if habit and forget I couldn't. I've only done that once this week. Doesn't seem like an accomplishment, but it is. 

I've been doing well at remembering my home therapy. I'm still waiting for insurance to approve my sessions. I was only approved for my evaluation. I can't wait to get back to normal and get back to the gym. Last night I had really good movement on my dog leash exercise. It felt like it was up to 50*, but I could be imagining and hoping for the best. 

Current weight 236

Weight lost 14

Weight left to lose 86

Elapsed time 2 months

I'm so done with typing on the iPhone for today...

Today's been an up and down day in regards to this knee. All day, it's hurt the least since the injury. I was expecting it to hurt because of the therapy yesterday, but it really helped. Also, I didn't have much of anything to do all day, so I've been able to rest my knee and get other random things accomplished. Things like watching classic Doctor Who, crocheting, and making a few business phone calls. 

Then I got an email. I'm a sound technician at my church and the woman who schedules things emailed asking for me to notify her when I will be recovered enough to work again. A sound tech doesn't just dial things on the board, you have to set the stage. And that requires lifted 50 lb monitors, moving keyboards and pianos, and moving drum shields and drum kits. And that's just the heavy stuff. Sound techs do all the little things too. I responded that if I had help with set up that I could do the little things and still sit in the back and press buttons. But she said (I don't know if for insurance or just for preference) that because she doesn't want me falling again in the middle of church service(which I definitely wouldn't want either) or hurting myself in any other way in the job, she doesn't want me back on schedule until I can do the complete job. Well, now I feel useless. 

I know I have to rest. I know I have to take it slow. I know it will be a long process. That being said, please let me do something where I can still feel useful!

Over the weekend, at my church's women's retreat, I still helped the committee set up and tear down things. My mom was on the committee and my personality tells me I can't just sit there and not help. So I successfully did stationary jobs: opening flats of bottled water, filling goodie bags, separating gum 2-packs. Little did I know that the hotel's freezers don't actually freeze, so I was sore the whole weekend from generally more movement than normal, but it was worth it because I could help out and I didn't feel useless in this state. 

It was times like this that was followed by a woman walking up to me saying, "Bekah! Why are you standing! Go sit down! I'll get it for you!"

"But I have to get the blood circulating... My butt falls asleep when I sit"

Also, it's quite a comedy to see me get up after sitting on the floor. I'm stubborn. But I do it because I still want to be able to do things, like help my dad replace a bathroom sink, so I sit on the floor and read the directions and hand him parts. 

All that to say, not being able to be back on sound team is going to kill me. 

And then this happened

I'll just let Facebook tell you.

May 5

ironically the 7 year anniversary of my mom's work injury to cause permanent nerve damage. 

May 6

May 7

May 8

May 10

My Birthday - I have other pictures to add here later. 

May 12

May 13

May 20

May 25

May 27

May 31

June 2

Around 2 weeks after my injury, I weighed myself, and i was actually at 238. lol. so somehow, I'm still losing weight even though I can't exercise and I'm forgetting my diet. I hope the weight loss isn't atrophy attributed. But now I'm officially caught up time wise on this blog, so hopefully I can be diligent about keeping up with both of my blogs. Since I have no where else to be except write and crochet. 

This is me bending at that 40 degrees. Yaaaaay. -_-

I just have not had the attention span to blog lately.

So... This whole entry will basically be a collection of my Facebook posts in regards to my workouts. Because I was posting those regularly and as I said before, I forget now.

April 11

April 14

 April 18

April 21

April 25

April 28

So then on May 3, I participated in the annual "iCure Melanoma" 5K walk. I do this in memory of my best friend's dad/my parent's best friend/my honorary uncle who passed away from melanoma in 2011. I was so frustrated that I got such a bad time. I had been training for this. But this year was the heaviest I had ever been during the 5k and my feet/legs couldn't physically carry me any faster than they did. My time was 73 minutes. My only source of self encouragement for the day was that when I had weighed myself that morning, I was 240!

Current weight: 240
weight left to lose: 90
time elapsed: 1 month
accomplishments: 40 pushups

Since I have time to do this

My personal trainer encouraged me to keep a journey journal of getting healthy, getting strong, getting fit, etc.

This whole process started in march 2014. I went in to my mom's physical therapy facility because the new massage therapist was giving away free 10-minute massages. What? Free? Sign me up... So one day I get there and mom has been talking to the new personal trainer telling him that my back is weak and I need to strengthen to hold up the weight that I have and to lose weight. Which I agree. So I signed up for my free consultation the following week (March 11). But the morning of came and I didn't want to go. I felt like I had been kinda pushed into it instead of being able to process and make the decision myself. So I called and cancelled my appt and the trainer actually texted me asking if I was ok. (Mind you, a few years ago, I had major depression and anxiety, including social anxiety, so jumping into things are still very scary for me) The trainer was very nice and texted me in a very welcoming manner, so I rescheduled my free eval session for two weeks later (March 25), hoping I would be comfortable with it by then. And sure enough, I did indeed show up. Here it is almost 2 months after the day, and I barely remember what happened (lots have happened since, I'll be using my own Facebook posts as reference) but I do remember being slightly embarrassed and ashamed by my lack of strength.

But I scheduled to come back twice a week, starting on April 4. I was determined. No matter how long it takes. my goal is to lose 100 lbs. I know, I hate seeing that too. I hate knowing that I had allowed myself to get large enough to have enough leeway to loose 100 lbs. Even having my goal weight at 150 is being "overweight", but it would be the healthiest I've been my entire life. And I want to do this now while I'm young.

Starting weight: 250 lbs
Weight left to lose: 100